The Call to Your Greatest
Transformation Often Arrives
Through Conflict

How relationships reveal the unconscious wounds that are ready to be healed

Dr. Elena Estanol

Everyone loves the idea of evolution and transformation.

No one particularly likes the confrontation, conflict, or breakdown that often precedes it.

Love, harmony, and beauty are deeply inherent values in my makeup. I have spent years studying esoteric traditions, including numerology, astrology, and tarot. Yet I have seldom spoken publicly about them because I feared they might ‘discredit’ my work as a psychologist.

And still, through both my lived experience and my deep work with clients, I have come to appreciate the insight and congruency these traditions can bring to our human experience—when we are open to hearing and receiving their wisdom.

Today (August 6th)  carries the energy of the number 6, often referred to as ‘the Mother’ because of its belly, or ‘the Lover.’

It carries the energetic imprint of love in all its forms.

And as I connect with this energy, I am reminded of how often we suffer through our experience of love—not necessarily because one person is ‘bad,’ but because relationships frequently become the training ground, or sometimes the battleground, for our greatest transformation.

The problem is that no one told us or warned us about this.

We were sold a Disney or Hollywood version of ‘Happily Ever After.’ And somewhere along the way, many of us unconsciously absorbed the belief that the "right" relationship was supposed to be easy.

If you are fortunate, you may have experienced a deep or magical connection with someone—a sense that you have met a soulmate or soul friend.

If you don’t believe in soulmates, bear with me.

Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, understanding what happens after the initial connection can help you identify how you are being invited to grow and transform within your current relationships.

And perhaps it may provide an alternate perspective of something you've experienced. 

A soulmate relationship does not need to be romantic, though it often is.

Many of these relationships begin easily. There is a spark—a sense of recognition that you feel at a deeper level, even if you don’t ordinarily ‘believe in these things.’

You may feel strangely familiar with this person despite having just met them. At times, you may even experience a kind of telepathy: an uncanny ability to anticipate one another’s words, feelings, or needs.

You have an inexplicable "pull" towards this person, even if it doesn't make sense rationally.

It can be a truly magical experience.

And it may also be the preamble to the deeper work the relationship will require.

Below are a few types of soulmate relationships.

From a spiritual perspective, it is believed that we may experience several kinds of soulmate relationships:

• Romantic soulmates- what we traditionally associate with "soulmate" a person who gets you and with whom you have a special connection that brings peace, harmony & supports your growth. 
• Karmic soulmates- these can be the most powerful and transformative relationships because they are purposely contracted for maximum triggering and maximum growth. They are often very INTENSE. Both positively and negatively. 
• Twin flames- Believed to be "the other half" to your soul. Most people don't encounter their TF until their "last incarnation". These relationships are almost as equally as intense as Karmic ones, but their function is maximum growth and particularly the creation of something in service of the greater good and humanity. 
• Companion soulmates- These are the most consistent companions we may experience through life. Sometimes they are siblings, best friends, and at times romantic partners. These are peaceful and consistent relationships. These can also include pets. 
• Divine Adversaries- these tend to be highly conflictive and challenging relationships that you often can't escape. Usually show up as parents/children, siblings or some other arrangement in which ending the relationship is not easy. They are the most transformative relationships.
• Mentor soulmates- These are teachers, mentors, guides, that show up along your path exactly when you need them and provide the kind of guidance you need at the time. 
• Kindred spirits- These are the easy, fun-loving and highly aligned relationships that often show up as best-friends. There is a similarity and synergy between the souls, so generally there is no "polarity attraction". 

Most of us will have a combination of these relationships. And if someone pops into your mind as you read these descriptions, they are probably serving that role in your life. 

Whether or not you believe in soulmates or soul contracts, most meaningful relationships contain the potential to reveal something important about who we are, what we fear, what we protect, and what remains unhealed within us.

"Most relationships are here for a reason or a season, very few show up for a lifetime."

The greatest opportunity for growth rarely appears in the "easy soulmates" or during the honeymoon phase, when everything feels light, exciting, and easy.

It arrives during the conflict stage...Where Relationships Are Made—or Broken

The conflict stage activates our unconscious beliefs, protective strategies, and unresolved wounds. Without realizing what is happening, we begin projecting them onto the person in front of us.

If you have ever experienced the same painful pattern across multiple relationships, keep reading.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
—Carl Jung

This is one of my favorite quotes because it so accurately illustrates what many of us experience.

Unconscious, unhealed wounds can become projections we resent.

This does not mean that your partner’s behavior is irrelevant, that every grievance is imaginary, or that genuinely harmful behavior should be excused. Sometimes another person is behaving in ways that are hurtful, dishonest, manipulative, or unsafe.

But the intensity and familiarity of our reaction can also reveal something older.

Sometimes it is not only your partner you are reacting to.

It is your mother, your father, or another primary caregiver who contributed to a wound you have carried inside—one you may have been unwilling, unable, or terrified to examine and heal.

It is the wound that says:

• I’m not good enough.
• I’m not lovable.
• I’ll be abandoned.
• I’m not worthy of love or belonging.
• I’ll be ignored.
• I’ll be exiled.
• I’m incapable.
• I’m imperfect.
• I’m invisible.
• I am weak.
• I am stupid.

You get the gist.

Most of us carry at least one of these wounds. Sometimes we carry several.

And we may spend our entire lives armoring against them—running as far away from them as possible so we never have to feel their sting again.

When Your Life Becomes Armor

How might this show up?

If you carry an ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘I’m not enough’ wound, you may have spent your life collecting evidence of your capacity: degrees, accolades, accomplishments, money, status, cars, or professional recognition.

If you carry an ‘I’m invisible’ or ‘I’m unimportant’ wound, you may have spent your life becoming highly visible—performing, speaking publicly, building a media presence, or finding ways to attract recognition and attention.

If you carry an ‘I’m weak’ or ‘I’m vulnerable’ wound, you may have spent your life developing your body to be strong, powerful, and fit. You may have chosen a profession that allows you to defend others—a firefighter, police officer, attorney, advocate, or protector.

You may also develop rigid boundaries or avoid situations that require vulnerability because some part of you fears being controlled, exposed, or taken advantage of.

The wound has been propelling you to function in direct opposition to it.

This is a defense mechanism—an intelligent protective strategy created by your unconscious mind to prevent you from feeling the original pain.

Eventually, you may believe you have healed the wound.

But often you have not healed it.

You have simply run away from it and covered it beneath a mountain of opposing evidence.

You have learned how to compensate for it without actually integrating it.

When Intimacy Activates the Alarm

When we enter a close relationship—especially a romantic partnership or deeply connected friendship—many of our protective walls become activated.

We face a choice, although it is rarely a conscious one.

We can gradually lower those walls and risk the vulnerability required for meaningful connection.

Or we can remain protected while keeping the person we love at a safe distance.

We pull away.

We create conflict.

We look for imperfections.

We focus on mistakes.

The qualities we initially found adorable suddenly become irritating.

Our partner may not have fundamentally changed.

But the closeness and vulnerability we experienced with them activated a warning inside our nervous system: (one that erroneously may say)

You are in danger.

You are exposing yourself too much.

You are going to get hurt.

They are going to take advantage of you.

This warning usually does not arrive in clearly articulated words. It appears through the reactions of the nervous system.

And our conscious mind often has no idea what is happening.

We simply think our partner has become more annoying.

Or perhaps you are on the other side of the pattern.

You are cruising along, thinking:

This is so beautiful.

We are so connected.

I finally feel safe.

And then... your partner pulls away.

They become irritable, pick a fight, criticize you, or suddenly seem emotionally unavailable.

In that vulnerable state, it can feel as though an arrow has pierced your heart.

It feels as though the rug has been pulled out from underneath you—as if the universe has punished you for some transgression you are not even sure you committed.

Your nervous system becomes activated, and you begin your own protective pattern:

• You pull away.
• You go silent.
• You sulk.
• You complain.
• You push for more connection.
• You become angry.
• You become hurt.
• You become overwhelmed with sadness.

Soon, both people are caught in what I call the doom dance.

It feels inescapable.

You feel as if you cannot win, no matter what you do.

And eventually, it becomes completely demoralizing.

This is often where relationships begin to fall apart.

Sadly, I have had my share of these experiences. I have also witnessed versions of this pattern unfold with hundreds of couples.

But what no one ever told us was that relationships might be the most advanced transformational curriculum we will ever enroll in.

There are Two Ways to Complete the Curriculum

Successful completion of this curriculum does not always mean preserving the relationship.

Sometimes it means transforming the relationship.

Sometimes it means consciously leaving it.

I believe the curriculum can be completed in two primary ways.

1. Relationship Transformation 

Both parties recognize and transform the pattern. They begin to understand that the problem does not exist only in the other person.

They recognize how their own unhealed wounds are being activated through the relationship.

Each person becomes willing to take responsibility for healing what belongs to them, while working together to create a corrective emotional experience.

Instead of using one another’s wounds as ammunition, they learn how to participate in one another’s healing.

This is possible.

It is also much easier said than done. It requires a tremendous amount of courage, vulnerability & perseverance. 

2. One person consciously exits the unhealthy dynamic

Sometimes only one person is willing to examine the pattern and do the deeper work.

In those circumstances, completing the curriculum may mean recognizing the unhealthy or toxic dynamic, choosing to leave it, learning the lessons it revealed, and healing the unconscious wound within yourself.

This is particularly important when a relationship involves abuse, coercion, chronic manipulation, or a genuine threat to your emotional or physical safety. Relationships impacted by mind-altering substances by one or both people and their unwillingness to leave them behind may precipitate this resolution. 

Personal accountability should never be used to justify remaining in harm’s way.

Ending a relationship does not necessarily mean you have failed the curriculum.

Sometimes leaving consciously—without abandoning the lesson—is how you complete it.

Because if the underlying wound remains unhealed, the pattern is likely to repeat with another partner in another form.

Accountability Without Blame

The outward expression of our environment is influenced by the energy, beliefs, expectations, and protective strategies we bring into it.

Recognizing this is accountability at the highest level.

It also requires tremendous courage.

You must be willing to plunge into the depths, return to the past, and face the little boy or little girl who has been silently carrying this wound for most of your life.

This is why conflict and breakdown can offer such profound gifts to the transformation of your soul.

They shine a light on the unhealed parts of you that you may have spent most of your life running away from.

This does not mean another person was spiritually appointed to mistreat you, nor does it absolve them of responsibility for their choices.

It means that even when a relationship hurts you, you can choose to reclaim the experience and ask:

What has this revealed that I am now ready to heal?

When you recognize that a relationship may have activated the part of you that still needed healing, you can begin loosening the resentment created by the stories surrounding the experience.

You may even come to recognize the gift hidden within it:

The opportunity to meet yourself.

To heal the child within you.

To make a new decision about how you want to show up in relationships.

To recognize how you contributed to the dynamic—not from blame, but from power.

Because when you can own your part, you can change it.

When everything is projected onto another person and they are made entirely into the villain, it may provide temporary relief. But it can also deprive you of the true gift of transformation and evolution.

Their choices belong to them.

Your healing belongs to you.

Questions That Can Interrupt the Pattern

The next time you find yourself frustrated, annoyed, or hurt by your partner, pause before automatically acting on the feeling.

Ask yourself the following questions through a journal or spoken process: 

1. What do I truly want or need?
2. What is my unconscious mind trying to protect me from?
3. How is that protection showing up—through attacking, criticizing, withdrawing, appeasing, controlling, or stonewalling?
4. What feels familiar about this pattern? Where else have I experienced this feeling or reaction?
5. What story am I making up about this person or situation?
6. Is that story true? Am I fully, completely, and absolutely certain it is true—or might I be trying to avoid responsibility, vulnerability, or pain?
7. What part of me is running this pattern?
8. What outcome do I genuinely want?
9. Will this strategy of ‘protecting’ myself lead to that desired outcome—or is it more likely to create my greatest fear?
10. Where am I directing my attention?

Remember:

"Where attention goes, energy flows.
And energy magnifies whatever it repeatedly feeds."

So what do you want to grow and create? 

Are you ready to evolve and transform through your relationships rather than continuing to run from what they are revealing?

If you recognize yourself or your relationship in these words, awareness may be the beginning-- But it doesn't have to be where the transformation ends. 

Your relationship pattern can become the focus of a Powerful Experiential VIP Breakthrough Intensive: An immersive, highly personalized and private experience, designed to help you uncover the unconscious wound driving the pattern, releasing the beliefs and emotions keeping it active and create a new internal structure of how you want to move forward and create a healthy, connected and loving relationship.

The purpose is not to blame yourself, excuse another person's behavior or force a relationship to continue. It is to help you heal what belongs to YOU. So you can choose repair, boundaries or conscious completion from clarity rather than fear. 

If you are ready to finally stop repeating the pattern, discover and heal what this relationship has been asking you to heal, learn more about the Experiential Breakthrough VIP Intensive here.

It is by far the most Powerful and life-changing investment you can make for you and your future. 

Until next time, sending you my infinite love and light. 

Dr. Elena

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